Shaadi ka Punchnama.

Weddings, marriages bring in joy, happiness, togetherness to all. And we also know that along with happiness it also brings in some responsibilities. The question is are these responsibilities taken in the right spirit by the righteous people? 

In my this blog I have tried to express my thoughts, my veiws, on a sensitive yet  a debatable topic - The not very Fun side of Indian weddings and marriages. Shaadi ka Punchnama!

For centuries, we all  have followed blindly to the rules from a worn-out rule books, reffered for a Boy and for a Girl. It is always declared that parents love all their kids equally, yet there is always a discrimination in expressing the same during weddings. Brother and sister from the same parents, the same modern well-do-do family, yet the rules and responsibilities will be extremely different to both which is blindly followed from the same stone age rule book.

Few of the cliche wedding rules unacceptable to me but "the righteous" to our society, I have penned down below.

"Sanskari" is the beta when he stays with his parents after marriage and "Ghar-Jamai" is the son in law if the "Besharam" beti dares to do the same.

To talk about this, mine was an arranged marriage. Therefore I have met many boys in the arranged marriage scenario to find my Mr. Right from the crowd of many. Jeevansaathi.com, Shaadi.com, marriage match-makers, etc. I have experienced it all. The best part of arranged marriage is that you can choose everything what you wish to see in your partner before you fall in love.

In my Mr.  Right lookout, I used to always make two points very clear. First, I would not want to leave my city as I wanted to stay close to my parents and second, I would not want to stay with in-laws in the same house. I wasn't demanding the guy to have his own house either. My idea was, we could together rent or buy an apartment, close to both our parents homes.

This did not go down too well with anyone. The matchmaker called me very rigid and non adjusting for not agreeing to shift (leave my job, my birth city and old parents) if the guy is from a different city/state/country. The "same city" guys found me insensitive and selfish for being that wicked woman intending to take them away from their parents. But in a general scenario -- a girl leaving her parents and home after marriage and staying with a stranger and his joint family is a cool, normal, compulsive society trend which all girls ought to follow.

The next cliche rule followed by most in our country - Marriage, reception all expenses should be borne by the brides father.

It's such a normal thing right? . So there is again no discussion or choice that matters. From the time the nurse tells the father, "beti hui hai" the father acts excited but in mind the future planning has already begun. Planning on keeping aside monthly money for the girls wedding, gold, 'len-den' etc. etc.

Once I asked a very close 'guy' friend, who was getting married in a pompous way at a location wedding to his ladylove, as to why doesn't he break the regular trend and contribute equally for the wedding? To this he gave an interesting reply..

It seems it's not always the concern from the boy's side but the prestige issue of the girls side which does not let the boys family to contribute. It is the pride of the bride's father to show the whole society his status, the limit to which he could stretch-in independently spending for his daughter's posh wedding and the 'giveaways'. This also helps in creating a path for good prospective grooms for younger girls if any in the family. Therefore even if the groom's father is considerate, he cannot be involved in spending for the wedding.

My thought is, why should even the groom's father bear the cost? If the to-be-married 'adult-couple' cannot take care of their own marriage expenses, then I guess they are yet to grow old enough to take the responsibility of being married as well. When the couple is educated and is earning then why can't they handle it together by themselves? Why do the parents need to get involved and pay for their children marriage out of their life long savings? Even if the parents help, it should be taken as a loan by the couple and should be jointly repaid back to the parents on time. Infact wouldn't it be so exciting to manage the responsibility of their lives first 'Big Project'- Their own wedding! together? Also it will avoid all the family tiffs which are bound to occur during the making of this beautiful and memorable event.

 I am telling this with my own personal experience. From buying a house, designing it's interiors, engagement, wedding, honeymoon, our first car....my husband and me managed by our own selves with an equal contribution from both. It was truly exciting! We did not give any stress or responsibility to our parents for this. But we always kept them involved in the best possible way too. I had planned and saved for my future and my Big Day even before I found my Mr. Right. Therefore I could independently manage to spend on my entire wedding jewellery too. My decision in managing my own wedding did not go down too well with my parents initially. But later, it was one of their proudest archivement as the parents of an independent and responsible daughter, which they still flaunt in telling our relatives.

One more rule which definitely need to change-- Its the son's responsibilty to take care of the old aged parents. Never of the married daughter's. Or the son-in-law has to be kind enough to accommodate his wife's parents along with his own. So again it's the boy in the picture. This situation is the same even if the girl is educated, working and has got equal oportunities in growing years like a boy.

Why such partiality is bestowed upon the smart, independent, educated girl here? When the girls fight for equality, shouldn't the responsibilities of the children on taking care of their parents be equal as well?. Why should her own parents become secondary to her after her marriage? Even in today's modern world, you have TV advertisements depicting the 'son and daughter-in-law' as villains of the lonely sick parents and cause of every depressed parent at the home for the aged. Why cant the villain be shown as the far away daughter who is either not strong enough to come forward for her parents or is selfishly busy in her own life, blind-folded towards her responsibilities as a daughter. If the perks are expected to be shared equally from a boy, so should be the responsibility too.

In this society from the time a daughter is born, parents need to keep a calculator in their pocket. Calculating her growing years, her education, jewellery, an expensive marriage and expect nothing in return. Expecting everything is left for the beta of the house. Because at the end beti is "paraya dhan". Therefore it's quite logical to have daughters called as the liability of the family and we ourselves and our mentality is responsible for it.

Last but not the least. -----"Kanya Daan".

When a couple gets married it's both of them who start a new life together. Both need to take care of each other in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. So in some way, both of them get detached from their current secured nest of their parents to make their own living. Not just the girl alone.  Therefore it's high time that we put an end to the tradition of "Kanya Daan". In the Konkani Christian community (where I belong)  wedding tradition the same is called "Vopsoon Deevchem". I had told my dad during my wedding that I am not a furniture or a puppy that needs to be handed over to someone to take care.  Also I do not believe that I need to leave one family in order to join another. The best is to say, may both the families of the couple join in and become one big family.

Still if the society is adamant in keeping its long run favourite tradition, then it would be best to make it more grand. By adding in one more tradition to it, it would be a win-win situation. 'Kanya-Daan' tradition should be carried along with the addition of 'Putra - Daan' tradition too. Where-in both the parents trust the responsibility of their child, into the hands of their child's respective partner and wish the bridal couple a happy, independent, prosperous married life together.

- Sharon Lasrado